Showing Up

This past week I had the honor of being sworn in as a court appointed special advocate (CASA) for foster children in Cook County. Being a CASA volunteer is something that has been on my heart for a few years now. In this season, I finally applied, was accepted, and completed 24+ hours of training, and there I was at the Cook County Juvenile Court. I had mentioned in passing about my swearing in ceremony to my sister and jokingly invited her to attend. It was happening on a Wednesday at 9:30am - not the most opportune time, so I did not expect much. Yet here we were, my right hand raised as I repeated the oath and my sister a few meters behind me taking pictures. She not only rearranged meetings but also drove from the southside up to Albany Park to drop off her daughter for school, then drove back south to the courthouse. As I shook hands with Judge and received my ID card and certificate of completion, my appreciation for her presence only increased. I would have been just as excited and humbled for the opportunity to take on this role & responsibility as a CASA volunteer had I been at the swearing in ceremony on my own. However, there is something about having someone in your corner in those exact moments, to bear witness to, to share the load with, to be… 

After the ceremony, my sister jumped out of her seat to take photos of the different items and of me. My younger self would have felt embarrassment and waved her away; instead I was filled with joy and gratitude. As she took the photo, I was brought back to my dancing years as a child. As a member of a dance community, we would have our annual picture day (it was a big deal!) which was essentially a full day affair. Most parents stayed the entire day with their dancer. My parents, however, worked a lot of odd end jobs before they settled into an occupation that worked for them. But their work hours varied, sometimes working evening or late night shifts, and never the typical 9-5. 

One picture day, my sister was asked to run several errands, including dropping me off at picture day. I was quietly upset, knowing that as an older dancer in my pre-teens, pictures were a whole different level of doing up our hair and makeup, things I had NO experience with. I trudged into my studio, hung out with my friends, and slowly began changing into my costume and fiddling with my hair. After some time, one of my classes was called to get ready for pictures. I did my best and then lingered about in the gymnasium with the other dancers when one friend pointed towards the doorway and said, “Isn’t that your mom?” I turned to see my sister walking towards me. Before I could even feel any sort of way about that confusion between my mom and my sister, she pulled me to the side and began fixing my hair and dabbing makeup on me. There was a sense of relief in my pre-teen body and the tension that had unknowingly built up in my shoulders melted away, knowing that someone was there; I was not alone. 

Different people have shown up in amazing and diverse ways in my life. Notes from my middle school math teacher on assignments affirming my abilities, pushing me to take pride in it. Friends sitting with me in the hospital after my dad went in for a rare surgery. A graduate professor attending a panel discussion I was invited to speak on at the last minute. A friend who sent me flowers once just because and also to remind me of my greatness in a time when I didn’t feel that great. This would be an endless post if I were to try and list everything out.

Perhaps it is because of these experiences that I, intentionally or subconsciously, continue to attempt my best at showing up - a face in a crowd, a loud voice of cheer, or a tangible hug. Sometimes this means attending a concert downtown for my student whose mother couldn’t make it, cheering the loudest at our boys’ basketball games every Saturday despite the continued losses, attending that one off awards banquet for my student knowing that her principal showing up brings a whole different spin to it… (of course these spaces are equally important to show up in for adults/peers, just stay with me on this.) 

Funny thing is, I was often criticized for living out this tenet in my professional context - showing up often was looked at as the reason for experiencing compassion fatigue or burnout. If I did not do so much, then I would be able to sustain myself more. If I did not give so much time, energy, emotional care, I could maintain a more normal sense of work-life balance. While there is truth in the importance of balance, I do not believe it comes at the expense of not showing up. Because showing up is self-care, it is life-giving, and soul filling. Showing up is critical to maintaining the fabric of humanity. When we show up, we prioritize the person; not the concept, the act, the event. And that is a whole different space we get to occupy as humans. It is a connection of heart and soul, something that we are inclined to forget because society wields us into engaging in rigid, set routines and ways of being, which in its extreme case is that of a numb posture, where the stranger is merely a moving body and the neighbor is extinct. 

A few years ago, I was hanging out in front of the school building, waiting to greet my students as they returned from their college tour trip. A parent stood out there with me along with his 6th grader who asked, “Ms. Wang, why you still at school? Why are you waiting for the 8th grade bus?” Before I could respond, the parent remarked, “Ms. Wang is always there for the kids. You really are always where the kids are, aren’t you?” I remember smiling in response and not thinking too much about that exchange. Thinking back on this, I am grateful that this parent valued showing up as much as I did. That we could see it in one another. 

Wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing? If each person in our community would show up for at least one other person each day, because truth be told, at some point, we are that person that someone shows up for and that space is filled with a hope and love that our world needs more of. 

We show up to celebrate. We show up to grieve. We show up because we can. To you, who have shown up for me, from the depths of my heart, thank you. I will continue my attempts to show up as well. 

Big sisters can be a pain (hehe), but I am always very grateful for my Unee who shows up, especially when it is not easy or convenient...